A Gentle Hero

This post is about and in honor of my friend Diane Bingham, whose long-time battle with cancer ended yesterday morning.

You and I were probably both surprised that we became friends. My work means I do a great deal of talking, while you were always the quietest person in any room. Many would accurately describe me as "intense," while you brought peace and calm to those around you. My faith journey has been (and remains) one with plenty of doubts and questions, while yours seemed to exemplify unbroken certainty in and love for the God who let you struggle with cancer for well over a decade. I always felt calmer in your presence and you made me want to be a better human being. You were so gracious to simply let me be me without judgement, but always with encouragement.

When I received the news of your passing yesterday I was torn between the thoughts I wanted to have and the one I actually had. I wanted to without hesitation think, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes. Blessed be his name either way." But what I actually thought was, "Dammit, she deserved better!" While many (including some of those reading this now) would be quick to tell me how wrong I was to have that initial thought, you would not have criticized me for it, instead knowing me well enough to know that eventually I would find my way to the thought I wanted to have in the first place. And I know that you're not surprised when I say that I'm not there yet. I also know that you believe I'll get there, even if it takes me a while.

You and I have both lived long enough to know that the word "friendship" is one that is too easily  thrown around, but is far too rarely an actual lived reality. When it happens, it is often surprising. Someone comes into our life who we're not looking for, and maybe we even think they're not the right fit as a friend. But they come along anyway and surprise us with their presence, personhood, with the fact they showed up at just the right time, although we hadn't until then realized there was a space in our life waiting for them.

This describes you and what your friendship brought to me. You were the friend who always brought encouragement, peace, grace, calm, quiet. I am deeply grateful to you for bringing these things to me. I am glad that I've had the privilege to know you. I am sad and angry that you're gone, but I am sad and angry in the midst of hope. I believe it is a hope that you and I share; the hope I have that you now experience a better, fuller life than you've ever known, and the hope you have that I will find my way, even through gritted teeth, to the words, "Blessed be the his name anyway."

Thank you Diane for everything, for most of all being my friend.