Thankful for my faith

Today, July 13, I am thankful for my faith.

One of the many reasons this is true is because my faith is much different than it used to be, not just the faith from my childhood and youth, but also from my earlier adulthood. Although it took me some time to recognize this, over the last several years I have realized that my faith has always been something that was in transition, in process. For a long time I felt like I couldn't (shouldn't) admit this fact to myself or anyone else, but once I began admitting it, my faith seemed to grow stronger.

I need to clarify what I mean when I use the word "faith." Or, maybe I can clarify it by stating what I don't mean when using that word. So many people think faith means certainty and vice versa. Not me. My faith is a central aspect of my life in spite of all of which I am not certain. Faith for me is not a list of doctrines and regulations and it certainly is not insisting that I've got the Almighty of the universe all figured out. At this point, I have him less figured out than I ever have. It would be fair to say that while in my twenties I was sure I had most of the answers about God. Now in my mid-fifties, I'm mainly full of questions.

And I believe that this fact has made my faith deeper, more real, more human, maybe even something that God can actually work with to make me more of the person I've been created to be. But, this process, this journey, has been a very tough one at times, full of plenty of doubt, even questions about whether I could hold on to my faith. Plenty of people who know little to nothing about me have even passed judgement on me during this process, pronouncing me as having compromised or even abandoned my faith. This used to bother (actually it more than bothered) me. Today, I choose to look at such people and such opinions as the difference between faith and certainty disguised as faith. Faith makes room for and even welcomes the questions, the doubts. Certainty insists that questions and doubts must be avoided at all costs. And this is actually the easier of the two options, as long as you don't mind stunting your mind, heart, and soul.

But I'll take the tougher of the two options any day. Embracing a messier, more elastic approach to having faith doesn't make for an easier journey and it will even make you pretty unpopular in certain circles, but the upside is one of discovery, mystery, hope, as well as a sense that you are a human who is still becoming and that the Almighty is right there with you in the middle of the questions, doubts, fears, and longing.

I used to be a guy with all the answers for how you should think, live, and believe. I look back and realize I don't like that guy. Today I am a man who is still in process, still unsure about a lot of things, but who is more hopeful than I've ever been. At this point in life I have far more questions than answers, but I've never been more thankful that I have my faith and that my faith has me.